Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Word of the Week

Desperation

1 : loss of hope and surrender to despair
2 : a state of hopelessness leading to rashness



A,

Have you ever felt the feeling of despair in your heart? Do you know what that truly feels like? Not being able to sleep or eat, because you are so worried, and so desperate to know that the person whom has caused you such despair is okay? Is well? Isn't in any danger? Unfortunately, loving you is not only a blessing, but it's become a burden. To your eight year old child, it has become a burden. Through your choices, he is being made to grow up too quickly. Can you imagine how broken his heart was, this morning, upon waking up for school and not knowing where you were, and if you were ever coming back? Nothing, in this world, should be worth causing your child despair. Nothing at all.

Growing up, everyone thought we were twins because of our closeness in age. We loved that, and tricked some into believing that it was true. As much as we fought, we also shared our dreams, our thoughts and feelings. You and I have become two completely different people in adulthood, yet I still love you more than I could ever tell you, and I long to have you back. My heart aches to have you back.

For so long, now, you've done very well for yourself. To say that I have been proud of you would be an understatement. Hearing your voice several times a week has been comforting. I didn't see this coming. How did you loose your grip after gaining so much? You fixed so many bridges that you had burned. Didn't that mean something to you? Your smile was back. The light in your beautiful blue eyes came back. You were blessed with a great job, and worked harder than anyone that I know. I just knew that this time was going to be different.

For the past two days I haven't been able to sleep because when I fall asleep I am brought to a horrible place in my dreams that I never want to be in. I can't eat, because when I do I get sick. My heart is in despair. I want to save you, but I know that I cannot. I want to give all of my worries over to God, but I am too stubborn. You need to know what you've done to me, and to everyone else. The world isn't against you, my precious sister. You are fighting a battle with yourself.

I need to hear your voice so that I am able to sleep. I want you to come back to us. Live for yourself. Live for your children. Live for God, again.

I love you, so much. You are a part of who I am, and I need you in my life.

Love,
Christy

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

Christy,

I am so sorry you are in pain now. I am sorry your family is. I am sorry that this world is such a hard place. I am sorry that your precious sister has so many demons, and I pray she escapes them before they consume her. I don't know her situation, but there are enough addicts in my family to relate to the frustration and despair you feel...to pray that a person just keeps on keeping on, maybe just clinging by a thread. And you- the type of person who needs all her people okay so that she can be okay, well, with that too, I can relate.

I'm thinking about you guys and just praying that it's going to be okay.

Love you.