Friday, March 13, 2009

Slow Mo

Do you know that feeling that you get when you are falling? It seems like you're in slow motion, and your brain is trying to rationalize what is happening and how you can possibly change the inevitable from happening? That's what having a miscarriage is like.

It's been nearly three months and I've been doing really well. Much better, this time, than with the first. There are those moments, though, where I cringe when someone announces their pregnancy, or I run into someone who is obviously expecting. It's bitter sweet. I want families to be blessed with as many babies as they desire. It's hard being super happy and putting on a smile when the thing that they celebrate is the very same that I mourn, though. I don't think about it most days. The slow motion thought came to me in the middle of a conversation Darrell and I were having about something completely unrelated. So strange. It just popped into my mind, as if my brain had finally rationalized what had happened. The "after the fall" moment I guess. I guess this is the part that is supposed to hurt the most, but I actually feel more normal. I've walked around feeling like something was so wrong with me. Wondering if people could just look at me and see that my body was my own personal tormentor. Wondering if they could tell that my smile had been super glued to my face (or else it wouldn't have been there). Wondering if they knew that I desperately wanted that baby that my body refused.

I don't know what God's plan for me is. Sometimes I wish that he would let me in on His little secret for what He wants from me and where He needs me to be. I know that life doesn't run in slow mo, and I can't change the inevitable. I'm just going to hold onto what I know to be true. He knows what He's doing, and He doesn't make any mistakes.

Still Relishing in His goodness...

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