Sunday, April 26, 2009

Cry to Jesus

My sweet husband can't understand why I've not been sleeping at night for the past two weeks. He doesn't understand insomnia, and that's okay. I don't really understand it, either. The sleep deprivation is taking it's toll out on me. When I lay down, I am haunted and taken right back to an exact scene and am grief stricken. So I have been keeping myself busy, at night, and wait until I can hardly keep my eyes open, to finally go to sleep. Unfortunately, the nights are getting longer as the days are going by.

Darrell asked me to try to fall asleep with him, last night. For his benefit I attempted. He is such a loving, sensitive person. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to talk about my grief with him. Men don't grieve like we do, or at least my husband doesn't grieve like I do. I don't want him, or anyone for that matter, to think that I am in need of attention. Darrell takes slight offense to the fact that I haven't been sleeping with him at night. He brought it up, as we laid there in the dark. I poured it all out. I didn't realize how badly I needed to do that, and the words just kept coming. I hurt. Everywhere. I need closure that, I feel, I will never receive. I'm not sure if Darrell was expecting that kind of response, or not, but he did well at comforting me.

He fell asleep long before I did. I couldn't sleep, but I forced myself to stay in bed. I tossed and turned and begged God to fill me with His Holy Spirit and take my burden away, and give me rest. I finally went to sleep (Thank you Jesus!). Ella slept horribly, though. Poor baby must have been having bad dreams because she woke up, at least six time in four hours. Darrell took the older wee ones to church this morning, which is where they are now. Today, of all days, I need to be there with them. My precious girl needed to sleep, though. I had some nice quiet time with Jesus this morning, nonetheless.

I feel the need to mention something. Grief lasts a lifetime. There will always be a spot, missing in your heart, for a lost loved one. Personally, I feel pressure to just pretend as if nothing has ever happened. As if I'm expected to keep smiling, and get over it. If you know someone who is grief stricken, please don't expect that from them. No matter how long it's been since their loss.Pray for them. I don't feel as though being grief stricken is a way of getting attention. A parents grief is thick. It's not something that just dissolves when everyone else thinks that it should. I believe this is why I am having such a difficult time coping. I believe my family (not my husband) expects me to be "okay" by now. I don't talk to anyone about this, and am a little ashamed that I'm even blogging about it because I don't want people assuming that I need attention. I don't. I just need prayer.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

No comments: