Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm Not Who I Was


I came across an old box last night. The contents were almost laughable. Okay, completely laughable. I can't believe some of the things that I have held onto all of these years. The kids had an absolute field day going through the box. In it were tons of pictures of old school friends and myself, notes, cards, souvenirs from my pen pal in Scotland, my 80's plastic charm necklace's w/charms, tapes (Whitney Houston, Bon Jovi, Blackstreet, and The Cranberries) a folder full of all the music (lyric books) I learned through out school, some stuff of my dads that my mom cleaned out of her jewelry box after they got divorced including an old watch, cuff links, and a guitar pick. None of these things are as laughable as my first diary, which was also in the box. You know, when you're a kid/teen you just think that your thought process is sane and rational. I'm glad that I've made it to adulthood so that I can teach my children that this is simply not true. Only teasing! Considering the fact that my thought process is still not quite sane nor rational at thirty. ;0)

After reading bits of my old diary (which contained quite a bit of negativity towards my parents after their divorce among a few other thoughts and feelings that I'm not proud of ever having), I went into prayer with our Father and thanked Him for molding and shaping me into who I am today. For giving me a little more maturity so that I can look back at the 14 year old me and say, "Was that really me?". For giving me a heart that yearns to serve Him. For giving me a heart full of love for everyone and thing that inhabits this world He has created. For giving me the capacity, in my heart and mind, for further growth. I hope that at forty-five I can come back to old memories and ask "Was that really me?" and be proud of who I have become. :0)


Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was Lyrics

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was


Relishing in His goodness...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

WHEN I MOVED INTO MY NEW PLACE, I FOUND MY OLD JOURNAL ALSO AND GOD IS SO GOOD BECAUSE I WAS SO BAD. I READ A FEW PAGES AND RIGHT INTO THE GARBAGE IT WENT. OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW. THAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT OUT BRACELETS AND LETTERS. I ALREADY GOT RID OF THAT STUFF LONG AGO BUT COMING ACROSS IT WILL HAVE YOU ROLLING FOR HOURS. LOVE YA SHITSTER!

Christy said...

Lish, thanks for posting your first ever comment to me. You probably come to my blog more than anyone else does. he,he. Actually, you are probably the only one. My biggest fan. :0) And thanks for not commenting on the contents of my old diary, considering the fact that you broke into quite a lot as a kid and know way more than you should. he,he. God is so, so good. His love in unfailing, and unconditional. We are so blessed to have such love.

Speaking of love, I love you little sister. I pray that, one day, the nickname you have bestowed upon me will dwindle, especially publicly. :0P

Anonymous said...

YOUR RIGHT SISTER. I WILL DO MY BEST TO UNBREAK THE HABIT OF CALLING YOU THE BEST SHISTER EVER:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy said...

I want Allie to come here so that she can see first hand that my nickname for her...Super Stupid...is not nearly as bad as she thinks! hehehe!!!

Christy...christian and I were just talking about diaries the other day and it made me remeber all the stupid stuff I wrote in mine. We are cleaning out closets getting ready for a garage sale and going through old memories is a fun time to share with kids.