Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Where I am...where I was always meant to be

I love making you smile/laugh, but I will fail you at some point. Today is one of those days, so if you can't take it, you may want to skip this one. Sorry.

Today is our one year mark. I cooked dinner for my kiddos, and went into labor. Silently, I prepared their plates, explained that I didn't feel good and needed to lay down. Darrell took care of everything else that evening, as I prayed that it was just a tummy ache. By the end of that traumatic night, it was over. An empty womb. A shattered heart. Confusion. Self-hate. Sheer ache. Don't ever expect for me to be completely over it. Please don't expect that. Know that I won't ponder it each and every single day for the rest of my Earthly existence, but my heart will ache. Don't expect for that to ever change. Have faith in me, though. I will not get lost in it, nor will I forget to give praises to our Father.

At twenty, I never expected that I would feel like my body was this useless at thirty. It's funny how quickly time flies. While I've had nothing surgically altered to prevent myself from having more children, I feel like my body is finished. That thought hurts. Why? I don't know. I don't really understand it myself. I was blessed with three successful pregnancies. Hard but successful. I've been blessed with three healthy children. My mind is not anticipating anymore, but the thought that I may not be able to have anymore hurts me in ways that I cannot explain. It reminds me of a conversation that I had with a close family member, years ago. She had her tubes tied, and went through a period where she mourned the fact that she could no longer have children. I could not grasp her way of thinking at the time, as she chose to have her body altered so that she could no longer have children, but understand why she felt that sense of loss, nonetheless, today.

I am surrounded by pregnancy. Friends, and family members alike. Precious blessings, all around me. Perfect round bellies. Ultra sound pictures. Baby showers. I'm happy for everyone. Truly. So, so happy for everyone. Despite the fact that I already have three children (whom I adore greatly, and feel so completely blessed to have) I still feel like my body is a worthless betrayer. I don't understand it. I know it seems insane. It's probably a little bit of hormonal angst trying to get the best of me.

On the flip side, I am in a place that is beautiful beyond comprehension. Full of God's grace and mercy. A place that reminds me of picking honeysuckle as a child. That fragrant smell of life vibrant in the air. Sun shining through my hair producing reds, golds, and brown. The place that makes me forget my womanly woes, losses, fear, and doubt. I'm in the arms of my Saviour. Blessed beyond measure. Praising despite adversity. Loving more because of it. Appreciating more because of it. It's where I am. Where I was always meant to be.

Thank you, precious Lord, for being my comfort. My shield. My Saviour. Thank you for each experience. Good and bad. Thank you for this ability to see beyond the bad ones, and feel life and embrace it with all of my heart. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I don't deserve such perfect love. Oh, but Father, I am grateful. So very grateful. Thank you for trusting and loving me enough to care for three of your children. What an honor it is to have been choosen to be their mother. Your love suffices, and I am completely blessed. A million times over, thank you Father.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Relishing in His goodness...


Parsley said...

Oh, bless your heart. I'm so sorry. Heaven will be full of children mommies and daddies have yet to meet. One day you'll be completed. Praying for you dear friend.

Allie :-) said...

You've been on my mind on and off today...I don't have the sweet words for you that you always have for me, I wish I did.
I knew this day was coming, just was uncertain of the actual date...my heart hurts for you, because even though my situation was totally different, I still in someways understand "the loss" of it all.
I love ya, and if you need a shoulder, mine is empty at the moment :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. *gentle hugs*

The Worthey Family said...

Christy, I have not had alot of computer time lately, so I am just getting caught up on all my blog readings! I am so sorry about your loss...I had no idea! Though, I don't know the loss of losing a child. I totally understand your feelings of your body betraying you! As you know when Tommy and I got married I got a ready made family with 3 wonderful sons! You won't hear me use the term step sons very often! Mainly only to explain how I have a son who is 34 yrs old or how I have a son who is 34 yrs old and Tommy and I have only been married 15 years! LOL! Anyway, I love my boys! The boys and Tommy became my whole life...I absolutely love being a wife and mother, but I did long to carry and give birth to a child of my own! When I became pregnant with Chase we were all thrilled! And when she was born Tommy was estatic, his prayers for a daughter had finally been answered! We all loved and cherished our little girl, so at this point we were happy and content with our family! We had 3 healthy amazing boys and a precious baby girl, so Tommy went to have a vascetomy, mainly so I didn't have to keep taking birth control...and I was in full agreement with all this! Oh....but Chase was such a good, happy baby! She was one of those babies that made you want more babies...and more babies I did want!! And I have to be honest even though at the time I was in agreement with Tommy's vascetomy I started to resent him for taking my choices away from me...I couldn't have anymore kids and it was his fault!! Then I asked him about us doing foster care, and we did for almost 3 years and it was great, it helped so much because our home was filled with kids all the time! Then we went off to seminary and because of some complications I had to have a hysterectomy! It was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life all wrapped up into the same day! The best day because my complications were horrible and I was so ready for that to be over! And the worst day because well...I could NEVER have my own child...and now it was ALL me, I couldn't blame Tommy anymore! Please don't misunderstand me...I love my boys dearly...they have grown into wonderful men that love and serve the Lord and Chase is the joy of my life...my baby girl is growing into this wonderful christian young woman who loves the Lord and obeys her parents and does what she knows is the right things to do! I am so proud of all 4 of my children...I don't have the words to express my pride in them!! Tommy and I have been blessed beyond measure with 4 wonderful children and 5 precious grandchildren with the 6th one due the first of March...Yet somedays I still feel that aching in my heart that our family is not complete...that "someone" is missing!! I have prayed, I have begged God to take the desire to have another child away from me, but at this time He hasn't seen fit to remove the desire, so I know He still has a purpose...maybe it will be through adoption, or foster care, or maybe another grandchild, but I know God has His own timing and purpose for me! Christy...I said all that to say! You are not alone in your grief! I understand at least in part what you are going through and I want you to know that I am here for you if you need someone to talk too! Ultimately, your answer is Jesus! He will give you the peace and comfort that only He can give you!! Please know that if you need someone to talk too I am here!! I believe the Lord places people in our lives who have been through similar circumstances to help us to bear each others burdens, so please don't hesitate to call me if I can help!! Love ya lots!!

Christy said...

Parsley-Your words are so encouraging. I appreciate the fact that you helped me to draw such an exquisite mental picture of meeting my child and my Father. Thank you, sweet friend.

Allie-I hope that you know how much I appreciate you. You were there for me, when I needed someone the most. You let me cry, scream, be me without passing criticism. When it seemed like nobody else in the world had time to allow me to grieve, you were there. You've been my shoulder more times than I can count. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you, for everything.

Calico-I love hugs! Thank you, and right back at ya!

Heidi-I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I can't help but be comforted by the fact that I am not alone. That my thoughts aren't as abnormal as I had assumed. Thank you for reaching out and opening up to me. You have such an amazing heart, and family. I am so very thankful that God has put you all in our lives.