Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Where I am...where I was always meant to be



I love making you smile/laugh, but I will fail you at some point. Today is one of those days, so if you can't take it, you may want to skip this one. Sorry.

Today is our one year mark. I cooked dinner for my kiddos, and went into labor. Silently, I prepared their plates, explained that I didn't feel good and needed to lay down. Darrell took care of everything else that evening, as I prayed that it was just a tummy ache. By the end of that traumatic night, it was over. An empty womb. A shattered heart. Confusion. Self-hate. Sheer ache. Don't ever expect for me to be completely over it. Please don't expect that. Know that I won't ponder it each and every single day for the rest of my Earthly existence, but my heart will ache. Don't expect for that to ever change. Have faith in me, though. I will not get lost in it, nor will I forget to give praises to our Father.



At twenty, I never expected that I would feel like my body was this useless at thirty. It's funny how quickly time flies. While I've had nothing surgically altered to prevent myself from having more children, I feel like my body is finished. That thought hurts. Why? I don't know. I don't really understand it myself. I was blessed with three successful pregnancies. Hard but successful. I've been blessed with three healthy children. My mind is not anticipating anymore, but the thought that I may not be able to have anymore hurts me in ways that I cannot explain. It reminds me of a conversation that I had with a close family member, years ago. She had her tubes tied, and went through a period where she mourned the fact that she could no longer have children. I could not grasp her way of thinking at the time, as she chose to have her body altered so that she could no longer have children, but understand why she felt that sense of loss, nonetheless, today.

I am surrounded by pregnancy. Friends, and family members alike. Precious blessings, all around me. Perfect round bellies. Ultra sound pictures. Baby showers. I'm happy for everyone. Truly. So, so happy for everyone. Despite the fact that I already have three children (whom I adore greatly, and feel so completely blessed to have) I still feel like my body is a worthless betrayer. I don't understand it. I know it seems insane. It's probably a little bit of hormonal angst trying to get the best of me.


On the flip side, I am in a place that is beautiful beyond comprehension. Full of God's grace and mercy. A place that reminds me of picking honeysuckle as a child. That fragrant smell of life vibrant in the air. Sun shining through my hair producing reds, golds, and brown. The place that makes me forget my womanly woes, losses, fear, and doubt. I'm in the arms of my Saviour. Blessed beyond measure. Praising despite adversity. Loving more because of it. Appreciating more because of it. It's where I am. Where I was always meant to be.


Thank you, precious Lord, for being my comfort. My shield. My Saviour. Thank you for each experience. Good and bad. Thank you for this ability to see beyond the bad ones, and feel life and embrace it with all of my heart. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I don't deserve such perfect love. Oh, but Father, I am grateful. So very grateful. Thank you for trusting and loving me enough to care for three of your children. What an honor it is to have been choosen to be their mother. Your love suffices, and I am completely blessed. A million times over, thank you Father.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Relishing in His goodness...