Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Breath of Heaven

A beautiful Fall day! We were walking a trail, alongside the Chattahoochee River, in Franklin, Ga. The picture doesn't do the scene justice. It was raining leaves galore!


At one point, we had a nightly routine of praying together, and singing a few songs before bedtime. With new babies, our routine has been altered a bit...however, we are trying to get back to where we started. I always let Lindsey and Gabriel choose which songs we would sing. Their favorite choice was Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. While they love the song, I soon realized that they picked that song each night because it was long...they were attempting to prolong the inevitable. haha. Sneaky boogers. I shortened it, but they continued to pick that song nonetheless. :0)


In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Chorus:
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy


As much as it pains me to type this out, I sent my dad a text last week.

Me: Hi dad. This is Christy. I just wanted to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving. Praying that it's a blessed one. Love and miss you.

The entire time that I was typing out these words, I was asking God to bring resolution and forgiveness. A prayer I have prayed many times during the course of our fall out. I was also telling myself that if I didn't hit send, right away, I was never going to send it. Ugh.

Sometimes, we don't receive the answers we are hoping for. Within ten seconds, I received a response from him.

My dad: Yea...how'd you get this number?

Me: Aunt Edna gave it to me. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Dad: OK


Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong

Chorus:
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy



I don't know what I'm doing half the time. In times like this, I feel ashamed for making the wrong decision. For not having the ability to know what God wants me to do. I, admittedly, beat myself up and just feel plain stupid. Because...I know that this isn't what God wants for me. Because...I love my children so much, and it pains me, beyond words, to see them hurt. I KNOW that this isn't what God wants for me. And, I don't want to let Him down. I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to let my kids down. Yet, I do it time and time again.

My dad has not spoken to me in over four years because, in a phone conversation, I told him that his wife was crazy. Not a Christian thing to say, I'll admit, and I'm not going to play the blame game and go into great lengths as to why I felt the need to say that at the time. In short, she worked hard at pushing our father away from us. She succeeded. He's just as guilty. I don't just blame her. In any case, as a parent myself, it seems like such a silly, silly, silly excuse to go such a long time without talking to your children. As the child, his biological child, it just seems like an easy way out for him. He's been looking for one our whole lives. The opportunity presented itself. He took it. He's gone.

All this time, I've been praying for resolve/resolution and forgiveness....but it wasn't until that text conversation that I made a revelation! I've been asking these things of my father's heart. I've not been asking them of my own. I've been more concerned about being rejected, that I haven't focused on resolve/resolution and forgiveness of these circumstances in my own heart. I am his child. Giving up on my children is unfathomable to me! God gave us his one and only Son. He sacrificed His very own child to pay for our horrible rotten sins. My dad doesn't even have the ability to respond to a kind text as a father should be able to. I let my fear of rejection take over...and forgot to follow the path that Christ has paved for me. I have been stuck for four years. God has perfect intentions for us. While I've been praying for resolution, God has attempted to bring me that in several instances. I was selfish and unsatisfied with the results. In return, I have continued to set myself up for hurt. Just as I aim to protect my children with all that I am, and all that I have, God has done the very same for me by distancing me from this person whom has hurt me my entire life. I can't change who my father is, or how much he loves me. I've attempted to take matters into my own hands. It's beyond me, and I give it to God. My resolution is that I am exactly where I need to be. Safe in the arms of my Father...my protector.

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light in my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy


As I drove home, this morning, this familiar tune popped into my head and as I sang the words out loud, and thought of memories of my own children and how much they fill my heart, I began to weep tears of understanding and of thankfulness. Because, folks, I have been given infinite and unconditional love by my precious Father. He loves me (and you!) more than I could ever love a human being...including my own children. That thought simply amazes me. I am so, so grateful.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! –1 John 3:1

With that "said", we had a very blessed Thanksgiving holiday! We celebrated for three days, in three different homes! Ha! All three days were wonderfully spent with the ones who love us most. What a blessing! We have an infinite list of things/people to be grateful for, so three days of formal celebration seemed pretty appropriate. Continued thanks to our Father, of course, are a daily blessing.

While a lot of cooking was going on in my kitchen, last week, Ella and I enjoyed making these brownie cupcakes the most! She did a great job at helping Mommy!

Day one was spent at my mom's house. When the NICU packed nearly 80 bottles of formula for us to bring home with us, I joked that they'd probably never be used, as he was already being nursed. In times like this, I'm so grateful for those bottles. It was nice taking one feeding time out, and watching MeMe (my sweet Marme Mama Mommy Mo) feed Jacob. Thanks Mom!

As is tradition, we stop by the Gaddy's home, on the way home from Mom's house, every Thanksgiving.







Day two was spent in Greensboro, Ga, on Lake Oconee, at Aunt Chris's house. Her back porch is one of my favorite places to be. Ahhhh!


My sister-in-law, Wendy, with our itty bitties. (Aunt Chris's house)

Lindsey and Grayson! He adores Lindsey! :0)

Cousins! We stayed the night over at Aunt Chris's house, so Ella was in her pj's and her cousins were saying goodbye. So sweet.


Our third day of celebrating was spent at my grandparents home!
Pops (a.k.a. PawPaw or Pop-a-lops) with the itty bitties.


This is my precious grandmother. She did really well considering the degree of her memory loss, at this point. She became overwhelmed just a few times, and began to cry, but was soothed easily. I'm so thankful to have her. <3

Random pictures taken in the past few weeks (because my blog is a wee bit neglected!):


Just started third shift again. He always has trouble, the first few days of starting this shift, sleeping well. This was one of those days, and he insisted upon going to the park with us, despite having four hours of sleep. Bless him.

Nine weeks old!!! He's such a happy baby. He coo's, and laughs the most precious baby coo's and laughs! He's so enjoyable to have. Love him! Love him!


My oldest & my youngest <3


Sleepy & Smiley :0)

She found a couple of local inhabitants



Smiley


Gabriel with Atlanta Falcons RB #44 Jason Snelling

Lindsey & Gabriel with Falcons FB #40 Mike Cox

Fall Festival at Royal Baptist-The Bungee Run






Jacob & I...It's cold! Brr! I wish that I had fur! I wish I was a bear with furry, furry hair! It's coooold! C-C-C-Cooold! (I am officially a nerd...as if that weren't obvious enough already!)
Franklin City Park, beside the Chattahoochee River


Gabriel at the Wild Animal Safari in Pine Mountain, Ga

Tiny dancer
Lindsey & cousin shelby

Jacob & Daddy
Playing dress up on a Saturday morning with her big sister
Sheer love
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. — Romans 8:15-16


Relishing in His goodness...

2 comments:

Rightthinker said...

What a WONDERFUL post about your trip and family!

I also had tears over the way your father reacted to your calling to try to repair things...my heart is broken, and I'm sorry. So many people live lives full of bitterness and waste so very much precious time..I'm so sorry, friend.

Your family is gorgeous, and little Jacob is sure a sweetheart!

God Bless and Merry Christmas!

Christy said...

Thank you! Thank you! You're just precious, Andrea! I'm a work in progress. Time will heal all wounds. Love you! :0)