It's late here. Nearly 2:00 a.m. and my mind is full. I need to mitigate these thoughts so that I may find sleep tonight.
I've begun having nightmares. In these dreams, Darrell has either left me for another woman or he's committed suicide. Neither of which happened. In every dream, I'm searching for him, in a state of panic. The common circumstantial denominator (in these dreams) is abandonment. I am having a really difficult time processing that word. My subconscious evidently feels something that my frontal lobe won't allow and I'm trying desperately to conceive a solution.
He didn't ask to go. This was not voluntary. He fought incredibly hard to survive. I know all of this.
So, why then, am I having these nightmares?
Night after night after night.
The trauma feels so completely authentic that I wake, in the morning, in a state of despondency. The kids are always so happy to see me, so I muster a smile and greet them happily. It's all taking its toll, though.
I read a meme a few days ago that made me laugh. I feel it would be the perfect ending to this whine-fest of a post. The fact that I employ my bad sense of inappropriate humor, to cope with all of the heavy stuff, is not lost on me. Here goes:
This too shall pass. It may pass like a bad kidney stone, but it'll still pass.
Relishing in His Goodness...
Christy
