I've never really been anxious about a birthday. Leading up to this one, though, my anxiety was on overdrive. To those of you whom have experienced the loss of your spouse/significant other, how did you cope with all of those "firsts"? And...did these holidays/events get any easier to endure in the second year? There's nothing easy about a celebration when you're a grieving spouse. It's a mixed bag of emotions. But mostly a sense of guilt. When does it feel okay to move on?
My kids woke me up by bursting through my bedroom door and shouting a very loud and enthusiastic "Happy birthday, Mama!!!" before piling into my bed. Someday, birthday mornings such as that will be just a thing of the past so I am going to enjoy them for as long as I can...despite the fact that they scare the absolute mess out of me! ha. What a way to be woken up at 7:00 a.m, eh?
They covered me in love and praises and all things sweet before ushering me out of bed and into the kitchen where they'd arranged sweet gifts and treats...my favorite, though, were the things that couldn't be bought; they were the words written that I loved most. And, after I finished reading, I looked up and into three precious faces who watched me with eager anticipation for the proof that they'd done something that touched my soul...and they did and they do.
That evening, I got ready for what I thought was just to be dinner out with my kids, but walked into our favorite local restaurant to find the entire back section reserved for a surprise party of some of my most favorite people in the world. Gabriel put together the whole thing, filling my heart with so much love and appreciation to not just him, but at each face that smiled so brightly at me upon walking into that room. I felt Darrell in that room...in the instant that I turned the corner. I felt him there. I knew he was happy for me. I knew that he felt my heart and the love that was filling it to the brim from each person there.
I did it. I survived it. Another first...Now onto the next.
