Relishing in His Goodness: The Weight of Living

We survived another first. I dreaded Easter like I've dreaded them all. All of the "firsts". They come like taunting jabs. If I weren't a mom, above all else, I'd gladly skip every first hiding beneath the protection of my sheets and blanket with one really rad Spotify playlist playing on shuffle to fill the empty silence. I'm sure with a pup or two to keep me company, as well.

But, alas...I am a mama, above all else. And so, we conquered the day like every day before it. Together.

And...it was lovely. I cooked a big dinner and we had dessert. We talked and laughed around our big table...and my soul was completely full despite his chair being filled by another.

The day ended in a completely nontraditional Easter fashion of family movie night, Harry Potter style. On a sidenote: My kids are convinced that I, somehow, inspired the creation of the character, Mrs. Weasley. I have no idea what they mean by this. {cheesy grin}

My littlest fella is still sleeping many nights with me. But, I think he's trying to conquer this thing that's keeping him from wanting to be alone in his room, at night, as he's making progress. Or maybe it's my hope telling me that he is, anyway. He told me, some weeks ago, that he was afraid for his future without a father. Gut wrenching, but I'm encouraged by the fact that he's able to articulate these feelings, nonetheless. I assured him that I was more than willing to take on both roles...and, where ever I seemed to lack, he was so blessed with some of the best older siblings in the world and we'd all make sure that he had nothing to worry about going into his adulthood. This seemed to suffice him, at the moment.

But...I am fully aware that, despite all of my assurances and promises, my boy is going to always have that void where my words and love just aren't going to be enough to fill-in for his daddy's absence. My soul aches for him in that aspect. I only hope that, while the void may not be filled, I am able to give him a childhood full of so many beautiful memories that he doesn't have to dwell on what he lacks.

I had a serious "woe is me" day, last week. I sat in my dark living room, after the kids had gone to bed and just let the tears come. And it felt good to finally get it out after weeks of keeping it pent up. I keep so much bottled in, and I was feeling extremely overwhelmed by the weight of living. The next day, Gabriel asked if he and his girlfriend could take the younger siblings bowling and then offered to grocery shop for me, and bring dinner home. I thought that I was alone in my dark living room, the night before. But...God was there and He heard me as He always does. It was just a few hours but it was a nice and quiet reprieve and the first of it's kind in many, many months. I am so thankful to Him for creating, in my son, a mind that is intuitive, a soul full of empathy, and a deep love for his family. That sentiment goes for his girlfriend as well, who shines like gold in a dark world.

We visited my mom last weekend. For those of you who are unaware of how fly of a nickname giver that I am, I have bestowed upon that dear lovely the nickname Mama Meme Marme Mo. She was feeling just a little downtrodden in the spirits so the kids thought it would be a fun idea to bring along the game Kids Against Maturity. I've always viewed my mom as this sweet, innocent, soft-spoken, and proper lil sweety pie. This game made her laugh so, so much. Before we left she said so sweetly, "This did my soul good, Christy." Is there anything better than hearing that from someone you love? It did my soul good, too, Mama.

On a completely random note, are any of you watching Moon Knight? No spoiler alerts here, in the event that you haven't finished the season, but we watched the season finale tonight. Mind Blown!!! Great show, Marvel!

Our Universal Yum box brought us snacks from Israel, last month. These boxes are always a good time for us. These were our favorites.

Another "first" was celebrated without him. I woke up to the smell of bacon cooking, early on Mother's Day. I nearly forgot, for a fleeting moment, that he was gone when I smelled breakfast cooking. That was the tradition for him to cook me breakfast on Mother's Day. It was my oldest boy, Gabriel, who's precious heart has tried so hard to make up for what our family no longer has. He never cooks but he made bacon and eggs, and served cinnamon rolls to boot. Oh...my heart. I am so thoroughly blessed.

The rest of the day was spent with our family at my moms house. It was the first time we've all been together since Christmas and it was such a treat.

Last week was Teacher's Appreciation Week. My kids have the best of the best, as far as educators go! Between my two children, there are a total of eight teachers whom have helped me to raise Ella and Jacob through this school year. One, in particular, made my little fella smile from ear-to-ear with just a simple message to him about a creative writing assignment he had turned in earlier that day. He took a photo so that he could share it with me. It made him so proud. Sometimes the smallest amount of encouragement makes a mountain of difference.

To that teacher, I adore you. You came into our lives when Jacob and I needed you most. God knew and He provided. Thank you for ALWAYS going above and beyond what your job duties require of you. You and all of the rest of our Empower team have been a complete God-send to us.