You learn so much about yourself after experiencing trauma and loss. Coping mechanisms, for example.
Today, an advertisement came on for a show that he loved. One I had put out of mind since his passing. Within seconds, I found myself zooming backwards in time to a Saturday morning with him sat on the couch watching his favorite food show. Every once in a while, he'd glance over at me with one of his famous closed-mouthed smiles. The tears came without warning as Ella popped her head up, from the other couch and said, "That reminds me of daddy, Mama." It all happened so fast that I found myself trying to understand the "why" of everything. I realized that part of my coping strategy was to, inadvertently, put out of mind all of the things that reminded me of him. I haven't watched any of his shows. I can't listen to his favorite radio station. I don't want to know about the Braves or Georgia Bulldogs. I avoid cooking his favorite meals. I can't stand going into my closet because I see his work shirts and shoes and I want to crumble to the floor. It's a terrible way to cope. I KNOW. All of these little things, that made Darrell who he was in this life, come creeping in when I least expect it and I'm forced to deal with the fact that I had him from 2003 to 2021 and then I lost him to the pandemic.
I'm so angry. I'm angry at the situation. I'm angry at myself for not coping better. I'm angry at the virus. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry that I'm sitting in my dark room in the middle of the night, in an empty bed, typing away at this keyboard as the stinging tears flow. I feel very much so alone in this world, in my anger, hurt, and deep sadness. I have an amazing support system, and I don't want any of you to think that I'm not grateful. I truly am. But...this is a battle that I'm fighting alone. I could be surrounded by every person in the world who loves me, but still be alone in my own head.
Lord, I don't know what to ask for in this exact moment. You know my needs. Please hold your child, Father. Fill my mourning with your Light. Take this load, precious Lord. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.
-John 16:22
Relishing in His goodness...
Christy
