This post is extremely difficult for me to share, and one that I never imagined I'd actually ever make as I was quite content keeping the matter private for as long as I live. I'm coming clean with this not for the sake of attention but for reasons that God placed upon my heart, today. When God calls and tells you what you need to do, it's hard to ignore. And...frankly, I don't want to be swallowed by a whale, so here goes.
As is instinctual of my nature, I immediately felt the need to preemptively apologize to our loved ones for this post even before I sat down to type the words out for it. Ugh. I can't apologize for keeping things from you. I have to deal with the heavy stuff in my own way. I hope you understand that. I do apologize if the news disappoints you, though. I can't speak for my fella but, ultimately, neither of us wants to be a disappointment to our families. We aren't married, so...you get where I'm going with this.
In the fall, I found myself typing the words "statistic ratings for miscarriage after 40", into my google search engine, after two faintly pink lines told me what I already knew of what had become of my body some weeks before. The odds were most definitely against me. I knew that before I searched for the answer. My body has rejected pregnancy several times before. The four babies that I was blessed to carry to fruition were either nearly rejected in the first trimester or extremely difficult to carry and I was placed on bed rest with all of them from beginning to end. My body simply does not take well to pregnancy. Given my history and age, I knew the chances of viability were going to be slim to none. Even still, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind from the moment I woke up, each morning, until I fell asleep each night. On top of thoughts of miscarriage expectations, plaguing my mind were thoughts such as, "How will I tell my kids if this turns out to be a viable pregnancy? Everyone is going to be upset about this news. What were we thinking? This is going to disappoint everyone. How will this change our relationship? We are too old to have a baby!" Every once in a while, my negative thoughts would be overshadowed by thoughts of hope of new life. I prayed the baby would have certain attributes that I love most about my fella and his sweet family, most especially in those quiet moments when he'd instinctively and softly reach down to rub my abdomen. Thank you, God, for those precious moments with him.
Viability indeed proved unfavorable, and I suffered a miscarriage before the end of my first trimester, however. I found myself immediately apologizing for my body's hindrance to him. Why do we do this, ladies? I hate that I feel so ashamed of something that I have zero control over. But, alas, I apologized over and over again as he allowed me to cover him in snot and ugly tears as he consoled me with precious words of love and affirmation, for hours on end, until I'd fall asleep. He was precious and I'm thankful he was there. He brought me much comfort.
We suffered like that in the dark, behind closed doors, in those early days after that loss. I came out of my room, those following mornings, with a smile plastered to my face for the sake of my children, and went through the motions of life. Also for their sake. But then I'd crawl back into bed, at the end of each day, to sob all over again. Pregnancy loss brings upon an isolating grief, as it is, I suppose. We allowed ourselves a couple of days to deal before quickly returning to our busy lives. He had to leave for an out-of-town trip several days later, that he cut short, for my sake probably. Bless him. I love his heart. We've very seldom spoken about it again. In reality, life has gotten even busier than before that loss so we've had little time to dwell...and I'm personally thankful for that.
Months later, I truly have much gratitude to God for gifting me with another soul to meet in Heaven. God doesn't make mistakes. We may not understand the why's but we're not meant to know them all, either. I trust His will for me and for us and I'm incredibly thankful for it. God is always so, so good to us.
My body hasn't been the same since that miscarriage. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's age or something more going on. My hormones are all over the place and my cycles have been sheer insanity. Because of that, I've been getting migraines consistently and quite often, for the past several months. I need to have it taken care of but living the American dream (for those of you reading outside of the U.S.), in my case, consists of losing your medical insurance when your insured spouse passes away. I pay out of pocket for my doctor's appointments which are pricey and happen far less often than they were happening before losing medical insurance. I do have an appointment coming up, but I'm slightly worried that I'll need to have surgery. In which case, it won't happen until I'm able to find a job with a good medical insurance plan. Typically, that means that I'll be working just to pay for our insurance. How's that for living the American dream, folks? heh.
Back to the point of this post. For those of you whom have suffered pregnancy loss, I feel the need to say to you, DO NOT BE ASHAMED! We are not failures! Losing a pregnancy or several, does not make us less than. We are not broken. We are plenty deserving and we are enough! We are not at fault and we aren't being punished. Know that your baby meant and still means something. Do not let your losses define you or steal your self-worth.
If you, sweet reader, have suffered in silence, because the emotional impact from miscarriage lasts far longer than the physical, my prayer is that you find the strength to find someone to share your story with. I'm more than happy to be a shoulder...and I'm simply an e-mail away.
In closing, I want to share a verse that I find a tremendous amount of comfort in when thinking about the sweet souls that were created preciously in my womb only to meet our Savior before I could meet them first. Can you imagine how perfect their creation and meeting must have been?! What a blessing for those babies!
"If I rise on the wings of dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you. For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the Earth. You saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them ever came to be. How precious to me are Your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you." -Psalm 139: 9-18
My babies were and still are full of life and are loved as God created them. I'm so thankful that God loved me enough to create their precious souls in my womb before calling them home. The day I leave this world is the day that I get to meet my Father and those sweet babies. What a day that'll be! I still hope our baby looks like my Luke.
To our families, this wasn't created to hurt you. I so hope that it doesn't. We made the choice not to tell anyone as we processed it all. The last thing we needed was to know that our choices resulted in not just loss but also disappointment. I kindly ask you to keep your negative comments to yourself. We have dealt with plenty and have an abundance on our plates still.
To all others, my offer still stands. Just an e-mail away.
:)
Relishing in HIS goodness...
Christy
IStndAmzd79@gmail.com
