Yesterday, I woke myself up reaching for him as I felt a migraine coming on. He was always quick to massage my scalp, when I'd get them in the past. I'd lay my head on his chest, allowing the sound of his heartbeat and the touch of his hand to lull me back into a sound sleep. The reality and the grief were palpable, as my hand touched an empty bedside, though. 18 plus weeks of thick, ugly grief.
As I've mentioned in a past post, grief is not my best friend. I hate every second of it. It feels like daily torture. But, I can't heal without going through this blasted upheaval, so here I am. Going through it like a dud, but going through it nonetheless.
Being listless has become a norm that I can't seem to shake. Just when I think that I'm doing really well playing this crappy role that nobody wants to audition for, and feeling some sense of empowerment, I'll wake up to a clogged kitchen sink. The kids bathroom faucet leaking. The ice maker acting up. The house a complete wreck. Laundry piling up. Cooking seems much more daunting a task than it once was so the kids are eating meals prepared with sheer lackluster, these days. Going outside forces me to look at all the things that wouldn't have grown in all of the places they've grown in, had he still been here. All of these things, evidence of how well I am doing this all without him; a mounting display of rubbage. I can't help but to wonder, "Could he have done all of this better than me? I really think he could have."
Today, it all just feels insurmountable.
Today.
I hope for a day when I can say, "Yesterday."
I KNOW that I am capable of rectifying all of these things on my own. I have assumed a life of uncharacteristically dispiritedness, however. I fake the heck out of it, as much as possible, in front of everyone else outside of my home. A cheesy smile seems to suffice everyone...but I'm stuck in this mire of dejection, it seems, and I desperately want/need to get out for the sake of my sanity and the livelihood of my babies.
I truly don't need attention or to be fussed over. But, if you feel inclined, could you just simply pray for me/us? I'd appreciate that so very much.
Relishing in His goodness (even whilst on this blasted roller coaster)...
