He always said that he couldn't wait until we were able to say that we'd been married for twenty years. "In my entire life, nobody has been with me as long as you have. You are the only constant.", he'd say. My husband was in and out of the foster system, as a child. His first marriage ended quickly in...eight months, is what he told me. I'm not going to sugar coat this, it wasn't easy being married to a man who'd been tossed around the foster system, in his childhood, abused, neglected, etc. He wasn't given a constant male role model to teach him how to be a good husband and father. And he wasn't perfect. But he did far better than he could have done. He took on an extremely active role as a father. From the beginning, he jumped into changing those newborn diapers, giving baths, rocking babies to sleep, reading books, and cuddling. He was such a proud dad. He never complained when I asked for help. He cooked plenty of dinners on evenings when I had a nursing baby attached to me. He attended countless games, helped coach t-ball, attended school concerts/plays, graduations, class parties, and competitions.
As far as our marriage, like all marriages, it took a lot of work. Sometimes it took A LOT more work. But, he was faithful, loyal, a provider, and protective. There was no doubt, to anyone who knew him, that he loved me something fierce. We were two very broken people working really hard to make it work for our family and for each other. And it did work until he was gone.
We didn't make it to twenty. I hate typing that out because I can still see his excited smiling face, on our sixteenth anniversary, "We're four years away from twenty, baby!"
And my mind is plagued by his last full day on this earth. Our seventeenth wedding anniversary. We had several video calls, that morning and one last one that evening, from separate hospital beds located in different hospitals. He couldn't talk but kept signing "I love you" with one hand, while wiping his teary eyes with the other. "We made it to seventeen, babe!", I told him. "Just three more years!"
Even as I said the words out loud, I knew we wouldn't make it to twenty, and I'm sure he knew it, too.
Today, on what would have been our eighteenth wedding anniversary, I woke up to an empty bed and the realization that I'll never celebrate another anniversary with him again.
God blessed me well with these babies, of mine, though. Ella always seems to know when I've woken up and came in my room to interrupt my self pity cry fest, along with two very happy pups who smothered me with excited-to-see-me love. There was a very thoughtful gift from Gabriel, waiting on the counter for me, of flowers, chocolate, my favorite coffee drink, and donuts for the kids so that I wouldn't have to make breakfast this morning. Aaron, my college boy, is home this weekend. He was quick to give his mama some good morning love, as did the baby of the family, my sweet Jacob. Lindsey is always good at deferring the mood with good humor and sent me stuff to make me laugh. My stepdaughter, Cheyenne, sent a message telling me she loved me, making sure I knew she was thinking of me. My darling children are some of the most thoughtful humans I've ever known, and I am eternally grateful that God chose me to be their mama. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without em.
Darrell,
We couldn't achieve twenty years of marriage, but it certainly wasn't from lack of trying. I'm proud of us for making it to seventeen. I'll always love you and be grateful for the years that we had. together. The awesome, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am proud of you for being a far better parent to your kids than what you were given. I'm proud of you and so thankful for the many countless hours you worked to provide for your wife and children, making it possible for me to stay home with them. I'm so thankful that you were so quick to want to take in children who weren't our own, so that they wouldn't have to be tossed around in the foster system. I'm thankful that you loved me enough to never stray. For every sweet date night smile being offered to me from across the table. Seeing you excitedly hand out Christmas gifts to our babies every Christmas morning. The big Saturday morning breakfast feasts you loved waking up early to surprise everyone with. Every bedtime cuddle and your hand fitting perfectly in mine. We had quite a ride, baby. I hope you feel all of my love from here. Love you, JohnnyCakes.
Relishing in His goodness...
Christy
